Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
Ask Amy: Mom worries about friends' compassion fatigue – Arizona Daily Star
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for almost five years. We have two great kids. My husband has had some mental health problems, and life has been very difficult over the last year. I have a wonderful support system, with three girlfriends in particular, all married with kids of their own. They have rallied around us during a turbulent time.
Last month, I went back to work part time. All three girlfriends have offered free child care in their home to help us out.
The kids stay primarily with one person, “Anna,” most days. “Rose” and “Charlotte” pick up the slack when Anna is unavailable, or if I’m able to pick up an extra shift.
All of these wonderful friends have stated how happy they are to help us. All of our kids are close in age, and they get along well and entertain each other.
My question is this: What signs should I be looking out for regarding burnout?
I’ve been on the giving end, where I helped out a single mom with child care when she could not afford anything. I ended up burning out.
Is there anything I can do to help prevent this from happening to my girlfriends?
I know keeping communication open with everyone is important, but I also know that people on the giving end can feel guilty since their friend is going through such a tough time. I worry they won’t say anything until it’s too late.
Any advice?
— Finding My Way
Dear Finding: I appreciate your dilemma, and your insight into the shifting dynamic of providing regular “free” child care. This sort of bighearted effort can lead to burnout.
You need to be continuously transparent when communicating with these friends. Make sure that they all understand they can be completely honest with you.
The most obvious solution would be for you to compensate “Anna” by offering to reciprocate. Can you take care of her children part of the time?
If she knew that you would take care of her kids every Friday evening or Saturday morning (possibly even in her home), she could go out, do errands, exercise or simply clear her head.
You should also look for free or low-cost play groups for all of these young children. Anna and you could both get a break by enrolling all of the kids in a weekly cooperative play group.
I’m a big fan of Head Start, which offers quality early learning in a safe environment. Pre-enroll your children for next year.
Dear Amy: This year at the company Christmas party we all received envelopes, which we were told to open after we left the restaurant.
These envelopes generally hold our Christmas bonus, which is usually pretty substantial.
This year, after leaving the restaurant, I opened my envelope and saw that it held half of what I usually get.
Being that we weren’t allowed to open our envelopes at the restaurant I’m assuming that it is supposed to be a secret of how much money every person got.
But I’m still left with the question in my head: “Did I only get this amount, or did everybody?”
I know it’s not proper to ask. I feel like my boss doesn’t like me anymore.
How should I deal with this?
— Receptionist with a Deficit
Dear Receptionist: The reason your boss handled this in this particular way is because, of course they don’t want you to talk about your bonus.
But guess what? Your boss is not “the boss” of you. You get to ask questions and be as nosy as you want, outside of work. Ask around. Find out whatever you can.
Depending on what you learn, you should set up a meeting with your boss and say, “I’m concerned that my bonus was half the amount of last year’s. This is awkward for me, but can you explain it?”
Dear Amy: My spouse was just like the guy described by “Nose-Plugged Wife.” He almost never brushed his teeth!
I did everything you suggested, I even asked his parents for help.
His mother told me, “Nobody tells him what to do!”
It became an ongoing battle and I realized that this was just one example of his being controlling, stubborn and childish. Then it crystallized: I looked at the entire marriage. I could see other areas where this attitude came through. I divorced him.
Now I am with a cleaner, caring and all-around great guy. I have never been happier.
— Liberated
Dear Liberated: Hooray!
Muslim students get marriage, business advice | Malawi 24 – Malawi news – Malawi24
Higher learning institutions Muslim students converged at Mehboob Memorial Centre in Mangochi from Sunday to Thursday for a five day gathering focusing on marriage, religion and entrepreneurship.
The renowned gathering termed “Tarbiya” initiated jointly under the auspices of Al-Mahommed Hassam and Mai Aisha Trusts was held from 23rd to 27th December.
Speaking in his opening remarks, Sheikh Jaffali Idana who is the Coordinator for AL- Mahommed Hassam Trust said it was great that Muslim students came together to discuss pertinent issues affecting their religious and moral life circles.
The sole purpose of the convergence was to remind and equip students with Islamic knowledge and general ways of living. The gathering attracted students from various universities and colleges across the country.
Apart from Islamic topics Fiqih, Tawheed, and an exploration of different scholars of ‘Madhihabs’, students were exposed to other hot topics of entrepreneurship, marriage and most fascinating debate on marriage decisions amongst Muslims.
Amongst the speakers were Dr Roderick Mulonya who is former Malawi Broadcasting Cooperation Director, Sister Rabia Chiosa who works with the Polytechnic, Sheikh Silika, Sheikh Uthman, Sheikh Ahmad Chienda and other Muslim role models.
In an interview, a student who attended the gathering, Daniel from Mzuzu University, said the reminiscent-function evoked memories that he had about the same function that took place in 2016.
He said the function should be conducted yearly as it addresses all life cycles from religious to moral spheres.
In his eloquent final-remark, one of the students on behalf of the student community that gathered expressed his deepest tear-shading appreciation to the organisers.
The student who is also a beneficiary of Mai Aisha Trust specifically thanked the organisation for its motherly support rendered to him up to university level since he was four years old when his parents left him.
He also thanked the two organisations for their continued support to the needy Muslim students across the country’s universities, and secondary schools.
Among other activities, Ali-Mahommed Hassam and Mai Aisha Trusts are in the forefront lifting the lives of some needy Muslim students across universities and colleges in the country by sponsoring them school fees and other necessities.
Their sole aim as Sheikh Idana puts it, is to make Muslims independent both socially and spiritually and hence the program (Tarbiya) revives these areas.
Before departure, students together with officials from the two organizations were seen taking photos and sharing light together.
Seven ways to improve your marriage in 2019 – Fox News
This year marked a decade of marriage for my wife and me, and after our handful of years together, we still have a long way to go. Even so, we’ve made progress in some important ways and I would encourage any couple to try growing in these areas:
1. Serve each other. Anytime somebody serves us in some tangible way, it leaves us feeling cared for. For example, I’m usually horrible at taking care of Raquel when she’s sick, and it creates tension between us. The more I serve her though (like when I keep the kids so that she can do something fun for herself), the more she feels honored, and it makes it that much easier for her to honor me.
2. Affirm each other. Couples have to make a habit of complimenting each other and showing gratitude to each other for little things. I frequently make a point to affirm how much I appreciate all that Raquel does for our family, and I remind her that I think she’s beautiful. Affirmation increases the feeling of being loved and makes it easier to love in return.
3. Keep the flames going in the bedroom. When all of us were younger, we never imagined that regularly having sex would take work. Then we got married and noticed how the distractions of life make it easier to disengage from intimacy. If it’s possible, I think a couple should be physically intimate in some way on a weekly basis. It’s a tangible reminder that the couple is committed to staying close, no matter how much life tries to pull them apart.
4. Never put each other down. Putting each other down with insults plants toxic seeds that can grow into bitter roots in the heart. For example, yesterday morning I got frustrated with Raquel and lodged a petty slight at her, which is rare for me. She called me out and I apologized for it. I want to steer clear of those kinds of comments in the future. I don’t want to do anything that encourages a culture of contempt in our marriage.
CLICK HERE TO GET THE FOX NEWS APP
5. Stay under control financially. Some of the greatest stresses I’ve seen in other people’s marriages have come from being financially out of control. Raquel keeps a watchful eye on our budget and I’m not a big spender, and as a result, we haven’t had any debt for most of our marriage (outside of our mortgage). I can’t imagine the stress and resentment we might otherwise feel anytime we made a significant purchase.
6. Have friends who want your marriage to succeed. One of the most effective ways a couple can stay strong is to avoid isolation. I’m privileged to have a handful of longtime friends who are there for me when I’m not being the best husband I can be. These guys have spent countless hours listening to me talk about the ups and downs of marriage, given advice and prayed with me. When you have people like that in your life, they can provide the support you need when you’re too weak to be a strong spouse.
7. Never forget the “third strand” of your marriage. There’s a powerful piece of ancient wisdom that applies to marriage: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12, NIV). The “third strand” of my marriage is Christ, who lives in Raquel and me. Every day, He corrects our pride, inspires us to show grace and gives us the strength to fulfill the vows we made to each other. This is, by far, the thing that has strengthened our marriage the most in the last ten years.
Start the next year and make the effort to improve your marital health in some practical ways.
CLICK HERE TO READ THE RIDICULOUS REASON FOR MY BIG HONEYMOON FIGHT
Surprise your spouse by serving them in unexpected ways. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you to compliment your spouse each day. Schedule a day at least once a week for physical intimacy. Apologize for unkind words. Take a course on financial responsibility. Be honest with your supportive friends about the areas where you’re struggling. Try reading just three Bible verses together each day, saying a prayer together before you go to sleep, and/or going to church together.
Let’s invest in our marriages this year in ways that may seem small – we may end up seeing all kinds of unexpected returns that last a lifetime.
Mom worries about friends’ compassion fatigue – Detroit Free Press
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for almost five years. We have two great kids. My husband has had some mental health problems, and life has been very difficult over the last year. I have a wonderful support system, with three girlfriends in particular – all married with kids of their own. They have rallied around us during a turbulent time.
Last month, I went back to work part time. All three girlfriends have offered free child care in their home to help us out.
The kids stay primarily with one person, “Anna,” most days. “Rose” and “Charlotte” pick up the slack when Anna is unavailable, or if I’m able to pick up an extra shift.
All of these wonderful friends have stated how happy they are to help us. All of our kids are close in age, and they get along well and entertain each other.
My question is this: What signs should I be looking out for regarding burnout?
I’ve been on the giving end, where I helped out a single mom with child care when she could not afford anything. I ended up burning out.
Is there anything I can do to help prevent this from happening to my girlfriends?
I know keeping communication open with everyone is important, but I also know that people on the giving end can feel guilty since their friend is going through such a tough time. I worry they won’t say anything until it’s too late.
Any advice?
– Finding My Way
Dear Finding: I appreciate your dilemma, and your insight into the shifting dynamic of providing regular “free” child care. This sort of bighearted effort can lead to burnout.
You need to be continuously transparent when communicating with these friends. Make sure that they all understand they can be completely honest with you.
The most obvious solution would be for you to compensate “Anna” by offering to reciprocate. Can you take care of her children part of the time?
If she knew that you would take care of her kids every Friday evening or Saturday morning (possibly even in her home), she could go out, do errands, exercise or simply clear her head.
Read more:
You should also look for free or low-cost play groups for all of these young children. Anna and you could both get a break by enrolling all of the kids in a weekly cooperative play group.
I’m a big fan of Head Start, which offers quality early learning in a safe environment. Pre-enroll your children for next year.
Dear Amy: This year at the company Christmas party we all received envelopes, which we were told to open after we left the restaurant.
These envelopes generally hold our Christmas bonus, which is usually pretty substantial.
This year, after leaving the restaurant, I opened my envelope and saw that it held half of what I usually get.
Being that we weren’t allowed to open our envelopes at the restaurant I’m assuming that it is supposed to be a secret of how much money every person got.
But I’m still left with the question in my head: “Did I only get this amount, or did everybody?”
I know it’s not proper to ask. I feel like my boss doesn’t like me anymore.
How should I deal with this?
– Receptionist with a Deficit
Dear Receptionist: The reason your boss handled this in this particular way is because – of course they don’t want you to talk about your bonus.
But guess what? Your boss is not “the boss” of you. You get to ask questions and be as nosy as you want, outside of work. Ask around. Find out whatever you can.
Depending on what you learn, you should set up a meeting with your boss and say, “I’m concerned that my bonus was half the amount of last year’s. This is awkward for me, but can you explain it?”
Dear Amy: My spouse was just like the guy described by “Nose-Plugged Wife.” He almost never brushed his teeth!
I did everything you suggested, I even asked his parents for help.
His mother told me, “Nobody tells him what to do!”
It became an ongoing battle and I realized that this was just one example of his being controlling, stubborn and childish. Then it crystallized: I looked at the entire marriage. I could see other areas where this attitude came through. I divorced him.
Now I am with a cleaner, caring and all-around great guy. I have never been happier.
– Liberated
Dear Liberated: Hooray!
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamyamydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2018/12/29/friendship-children/2304418002/
