Category Archives: Relationships
I Asked All My Tinder Matches For Their Best Dating Tips & They Actually Gave Great Advice
Hussien started with, “Don’t get lost.” Which, while sensible, isn’t exactly dating advice. I mean, I try not to get lost all of the time, Hussien, and often find myself wandering down dark alleyways because Google Maps told me to. It’s not that easy.
He followed his navigational advice up with this little nugget of truth, though: If you and your date click, everything else will likely fall into place. Which makes total sense.
TBH, I think we sometimes overuse the “If it’s right, it’s right” trope. Not all connections are instant, and we tend to brush past our close friends’ crazy proclamations much more easily than a stranger’s (trust me, I learned the hard way).
But I think more often than not, if you click with a person, you click. No crazy first date tips or tricks required. And if you do need tips, well, just scroll up. And maybe suggest a round of mini golf?
Fresh Talk: My Keys To Finding Your College Sweetheart
I came to college determined to get an education but, if I’m being really honest, what I wanted more than anything else was a girlfriend. And, in the same way I now can advise first-year students about what classes and professors to take, what pitfalls to avoid and how best to schedule their sleep/study/socializing time (the college trifecta — you can pick only two), I can also advise, particularly the guys, what to do and what to avoid in securing a relationship with that mythical creature, the college sweetheart.
Some of my advice won’t be what the newbies have heard before. Many trickle-down theories of dating are misleading.
Before I arrived, my ideas about college social life were formed by stories I’d heard from my friend’s older siblings: noisy bars with sticky floors, conversations that couldn’t be heard over Kanye remixes, and winners and losers in an anonymous “hookup culture.” I didn’t really know what that phrase meant, but to be honest, I didn’t really know whether to call the people I was pursuing “girls” or “women.” So, I was pretty lost in terms of how to decipher how the game was played.
In the same way I was looking for new adventures intellectually, I was looking for a new degree of emotional and intimate connection with a girl (I went with “girl” at 18). I had to learn the realities of dating life. You can’t fit six relationships into seven years without falling over yourself frequently — and while I have more than a bruised knee to think back and cringe at, I also had the wherewithal to learn from my mistakes (as my girlfriend, Jackie, can vouch — we’re quite happy together).
So here’s what I know:
1) Don’t take advice from your college friends. They’re just as confused and clumsy and new to this as you are. Why would you take dating advice from a guy who spends every night playing “Fortnite” or any other addictive video game? He sounds confident, but don’t let him con you into contorting yourself. Guys pride themselves on giving each other strategy; usually it’s a pickup line that worked once, two years ago, or, worse, telling you to appear aloof and coolly disinterested in your crush — as if that were the goal. The only way to form a relationship is to let her know who she’s really dealing with. When exercising, you can’t hold a pose for very long. Similarly, you can’t contort yourself into someone you’re not and expect to assume that position for very long without falling down and looking ridiculous — or at least getting a cramp.
2) Don’t torture yourself over what to say. Further, don’t have lines planned for that inevitable occasion. Say what comes to mind and speak from the heart. Yes, I said that. That particularly dreadful essay about the varieties of dirt in Arizona, or how you only yesterday realized that wearing the freshman lanyard is a social faux pas. Whatever you say, just try to be more interesting than your aunt at Thanksgiving dinner (How are you liking college? What’s your major? What’re you gonna do with that degree?). It won’t be difficult.
3) Decide if you actually want a partner. Are you looking for a relationship or simply for somebody else to ignore homework with? If it’s the latter, better to find a friend with whom you won’t be tempted to spend the night. A relationship needs a willingness to take it seriously when it’s serious — and take it lightly when it’s fun. Knowing what the situation needs requires an adult understanding of human communication — a quality that, unfortunately, many never acquire. It takes trial and error; you can’t really just “be more adult.”
College will change the way you experience the world. Now that I’m leaving, I know how much I didn’t know when I was 18. I learned that education doesn’t only happen in the classroom, and it doesn’t stop when you get your diploma. And now that I’m off into the “real world,” I have a degree of optimism, although that’s not something listed on my diploma. This much I know: In the future, when I’m naive, confused, and clumsy, I’ll look for someone to show me the ropes.
Parker Gregory Shpak, 25, of Bloomfield, will graduate this year from the University of Connecticut with a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and English.
The Courant invites writers younger than 30 to write essays of 650 words or less containing strong views. Please email your submission to freshtalk@courant.com, with your full name, hometown, daytime phone number, age and occupation (or your school’s name and your level in school).
The V-Spot: WTF even is college dating?
I’m looking for advice on navigating college relationships. I’m a young lesbian and I’m trying to consolidate not feeling in a good emotional place for a full romantic relationship with also looking for physical intimacy.
I had a short relationship earlier in the year and I don’t feel like I’m in a good time in my life to both take care of myself and keep my grades up and also maintain a healthy and loving relationship with someone else. Though I’m still good friends with the people I’ve briefly dated, I struggle with maintaining romantic relationships.
I’m in a really strenuous major and I’ve gotten comfortable with the idea of waiting to date until I have my degree. But I’m also interested in sex and physical intimacy and I’m not sure how to balance it all. I’m shy and inexperienced and unsure how to initiate hookups.
I’m not sure how to navigate that safely both in terms of sexual health and emotional health. I’ve never slept with someone I wasn’t seriously dating, so any advice on figuring out casual intimacy for the first time would be appreciated!
Best,
Study Buddy with Benefits
The juggle of romantic relationships, sexual satisfaction, intentional intimacy, work, self-care, friendships, learning, just-getting-through-it-all is a common struggle. One of the cool things about doing our darndest to figure out this skill in college is that many campus communities are generally well-outfitted for developing the art of this particular balancing act.
Many campuses have sexual health and sexuality student groups (many of which host relevant workshops about sex from folks like myself — thanks y’all!). Many colleges have a conveniently campus-situated group of peers also seeking dating and/or hookups, social events where people may be mingling for just that, and most have free or low-cost sexual health services, safer-sex products, and resources.
Despite what many popular representations might show us, attending college isn’t JUST about sex and sometimes it’s not even about sex at all and that’s fine, too. But, if you are interested, it’s great to start by exploring the resources your campus has to offer. Being on a residential college campus and looking to experiment with sex and dating is like wanting to practice your baking skills and realizing that, oh wait, turns out I live in a commercial bakery that’s outfitted with state-of-the-art baking supplies and ingredients!
Except … not exactly, because you also have deadlines, school stress, mental health considerations, and general adulting for sometimes the first time ever. Taking that into consideration, it’s great that you have the self-awareness to recognize that cultivating a romantic relationship in your current educational context isn’t going to work for you right now. This kind of awareness and boundary-setting will also help you as you figure out how to scratch your sexual itch without landing in an unwanted emotional ditch.
It’s my personal belief that no-strings-attached hookups do not truly exist. There’s always at least one string, even if it’s just a little thread, when we get sexually intimate with someone. Yes, even if everyone involved has agreed to keep the feels out of it. Strings aren’t bad, they’re just something to be aware of and to manage via boundaries, communication, and expectations.
Be clear and upfront with any potential sexual partners about what you’re available for (casual sex and friendship) and what you’re not (ongoing sexual/romantic partnership). Setting these limits early is a great way to establish them as about you and your desires. Setting them after-the-fact can often feel to the other person like your post-hookup-limit-setting is personal to them which can make for hard feelings and more complexity.
This isn’t the time for innuendo, hints, and vague flirting — it’s okay to be direct and clear about what you’re seeking and will in fact increase your chances that your sexual encounters will be more satisfying for it. Dating apps have set this up as an expectation, so perhaps start there.
Finally, if we’re not bumbling our way through something, we’re not really learning or growing, we’re just performing a skill that we’ve already mastered. So, go ahead and feel those awkward growing pains — after all, that’s what college is for.
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.
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Issa Rae's Book Calls Filipinos 'The Blacks of Asians'
Issa Rae has some dating advice for educated black women: Date Asian men, specifically Asian men that recognize as Chinese, Vietnamese and Japanese.
The advice, offered in Rae’s 2015 book, The Misadventures of an Awkward Black Girl, sparked harsh criticism of the actress on Monday when an excerpt surfaced online. In the passage, Rae suggested for black women with a college education to “join forces in love, marriage and procreation” with Asian men, essentially because both groups were considered to be at the bottom of the dating pool.
However, her sentiments didn’t sit well with some people on social media, particularly those offended by her comments regarding Filipino men, whom Rae seemed to suggest weren’t “intelligent and hard workers” like other groups of Asian men. “Educated black women what better intellectual match for you than an Asian man? And I’m not talking about Filipino’s, they’re like the Blacks of Asians. I’m talking Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, et cetera,” Rae wrote.
She added: “So black women, after college, maybe it’s a good idea to settle in Los Angeles or anywhere else where Koreatown in a hotspot.”
Some people took to Twitter to condemn Rae and her sentiments, calling the Insecure star’s comments disrespectful. Some even accused Rae of supporting colorism and being discriminatory against Filipinos, some of whom have darker and browner skin tones than Asians from other countries.
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Meanwhile, there were others who took Rae’s comparison of Filipinos and African-Americans as anti-black.
Despite the backlash, when it comes to interracial marriage in America, Asians are actually the most likely to find love outside of their race. According to a 2017 Pew Research report, 29 percent of Asians, including Pacific Islanders, were married to someone of a different race in 2015, while 27 percent of Hispanic newlyweds came from different racial backgrounds. Meanwhile, only 18 percent of blacks married someone outside of their race, compared to only 11 percent of whites.
