Dear Carolyn: I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. Things have been going well but recently he began expressing to me that he was uncomfortable about the fact that nine years ago, I used to date the brother of my now-brother-in-law (through my sister’s marriage). My boyfriend said he is uncomfortable being around him at family events. It was a serious relationship at the time – we lived together – but both of us have more than moved on since then and even hung out as friends on multiple occasions.
My sister’s husband comes from a pretty fractured family and his brother is really all he has. Also, my sister is very close with her brother-in-law.
My boyfriend has not had many relationships and I’m not sure he has had many encounters with exes. I would like to keep up our family traditions, such as Sunday family dinners, which the brother and his girlfriend of three or four years attend. He and his girlfriend don’t seem to mind about our past at all.
How do I handle this?
– M.
With a more mature boyfriend or a time machine.
You handle this by not budging, in the kindest and unbudgingest possible way.
Because you can’t budge – not without straining two families and setting a terrible precedent for ceding control of the guest list for your own life.
If nothing sketchy is going on between you and the ex, then the onus is on your boyfriend to accept that your ex has a valid place at your table – and if something sketchyis happening, then the onus is on him to break up with you, not assume control of the men you’re allowed to see.
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Your boyfriend may well be new to this whole dating thing and its complexities, but that’s grounds for sympathy – not license to bust up Sunday dinner. He’s also not new to you or to this situation. What changed?
Whatever the reason: Let him know you understand it might be awkward for someone in his position, but, this is your family configuration. If he’s not comfortable with his relationship with you, then you and he need to deal with its issues on their own merits. If he is comfortable, then trusting that will help him get used to this little joke fate chose to play. As you all got used to it yourselves, remind him. Presumably there was an adjustment period at the time for everyone involved?
You adjusted, though, because it was a take-or-leave situation – accept it or excuse yourself from your family as you know it – and it is one now for your boyfriend, and will be for anyone you date as long as he is part of your sister’s life. Tell him so, take or leave, and that you’ll help him find ways to take it. Within those bounds, of course, of not budging an inch.
Dear Carolyn: I have a “friend” that will email and invite me to lunch and then add, “By the way I’m cycling for charity, please contribute,” and then she never follows through regarding the lunch. Once, we actually made a date for lunch and then she said, “I’ll call you that morning and let you know if it still works for me!” and I never heard from her the day we had scheduled the lunch. I asked her and her fiance to join my husband and me for dinner and she said, “Great idea! I’ll get back to you when things aren’t so hectic,” and 10 months went by without a word.
Although there was a time when this person and I were close and spent time together, obviously this is no longer a friendship, and I have decided not to accept this behavior from her again.
There is a strong possibility that I am going to run into her around town. What can I kindly say to let her know that I’m done with her without being snarky?
– K.
Why do you need to tell her anything? The friendship is over, there are no plans being made that you need to break, and if she ever invites you to something, then you already know she doesn’t mean it so it doesn’t matter whether you reply yes, no, maybe, or not at all.
The only thing left to do is to exist in this reality instead of the alternative one where you thought you might someday, eventually, have lunch.
If the opportunity arises naturally for you to say something, or if it’s important to you to tie off the ends, then by all means, say what has been on your mind: “You haven’t followed through on plans for X months/years, so I took that as a choice not to see me.” But that’s something you do for you, not to please her or abide by some unwritten rule.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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Kerry is now on the lookout for a new man (Picture: Nusic London)
Kerry Katona has revealed that she would be up for going on Celebs Go Dating after her hectic schedule leaves it impossible to find love.
Speaking to Metro.co.uk at Kris James’ launch party, she said: ‘I’m single – been single for over a year now. I would definitely [do Celebs Go Dating], I don’t get out to meet anybody so it would be nice to find someone like that maybe.’
So what kind of man is she looking for? Well, after having a look around at the Director’s Lounge in London she laughed before she said: ‘Someone who’s willing to walk beside me.
‘Humour’s a massive thing, you’ve got to be able to make me laugh.’
Kerry says shed definitely be up for Celebs Go Dating (Picture: Nusic London)
‘Someone who’s gonna let me grow and not hold me back. Somebody who takes the rough with the smooth,’ she’s added.
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‘And someone who’s fit as fuck,’ she giggled.
The star could be joining a host of reality stars trying their luck at the celebrity dating agency, and getting love advice from Lady Nadia Essex.
Only 24 hours his split from fiancée Caroline Flack, Andrew Brady admitted that he had been approached for the series as well.
Paul Danan – known as ‘dangerous Danan’ during his stint on Celebrity Love Island’ has also said he would be up for giving the show a go to see if the matchmakers can succeed where he hasn’t.
However, the upcoming series will be the first that won’t feature Eden Blackman, who revealed he quit the show shortly after the end of the last series.
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Dates in the future may not happen in coffee shops — instead, you might just sit in your living room with a virtual reality headset, according to a report from Imperial College London and eHarmony.
The report predicts how relationships will change over the next 25 years (and discusses how they have already changed in recent years) using eHarmony’s user data; historical accounts; and interviews with anthropology, technology, and biomedicine experts.
“People want to be matched — and ultimately form relationships with — like-minded people in the most efficient way possible,” eHarmony’s UK director Romain Betrand tells Business Insider. “What’s different is how people will go about it, redefined by advances in science and everyday consumer technology.”
Here’s how dating and relationships could look by 2040.
Mike Nudelman/Business Insider
Forget swiping right on Tinder — dates in VR could make things a whole lot easier.
In 2016, people have already popped the question in VR. By 2040, you may be able to hold someone’s hand before you actually ‘meet’ them IRL, according to the report.
With new VR technology, we might not only be able to see and hear other people, but touch and smell them too.
‘Nobody would be really too far away to have a relationship with,’ Betrand says. ‘It would be like your partner is in the room with you when you want them around.’
Mike Nudelman/Business Insider
In the future, we may be able to physically see a person’s emotions, the report says.
New Deal Design, the designers behind Fitbit’s trackers, are working to create a ‘tattoo’ embedded under the skin that visualizes health and emotions.
When someone touches or feels something, the tattoo, called UnderSkin, will glow a personalised pattern. For example, when a person holds their partner’s hand, the tattoo may glow in the shape of a pentagon to express love.
The designers believe they could build UnderSkin by 2021.
Mike Nudelman/Business Insider
When we’re feeling introverted, we could one day turn to robots instead of humans.
Interacting with a robot, rather than a partner, could create less emotional pressure, says managing director of Silicon Valley Robotics Andrea Keay. By 2029, the report predicts we could have two soul mates: one human and one robot.
Mike Nudelman/Business Insider
We could eventually rely on big data to make better long-term relationship decisions, like who to date, when to get married, and how many children to have.
The report imagines that ‘telepathic computers’ could one day also predict a partner’s behaviour before it happens by studying blood flow patterns to the brain.
This information could help people decide whether they want to ditch or keep dating a person — essentially to see whether a partner ‘could actually change.’
Mike Nudelman/Business Insider
Imagine a future where you could prevent awkward silences in every interaction or first date.
Based on past advances, researchers believe data processing will become even more efficient in the future. The report speculates that computers could eventually potentially feed conversation starters and live dating advice into our brains.
This real-time artificial intelligence would analyse video data at high speed, providing users with instant feedback about how their date is going.
Mike Nudelman/Business Insider
EHarmony, OkCupid, and Match.com all have their own algorithms based on personality traits and location.
In the future, the best way to find a match may be by DNA, says the eHarmony report.
In the past decade, the cost of DNA sequencing has fallen dramatically, allowing for more research on the role DNA plays in attraction. One 2014 study found that people may be more likely to choose mates with similar DNA profiles.
Mike Nudelman/Business Insider
In the future, people may not be limited to the singles in their city.
The report predicts that cities will eventually have high-speed ways to travel. For example, SpaceX is building a test track for the Hyperloop, which could theoretically travel at 500 mph. A competition to create the perfect transportation pod for the system is slated to happen next year.
If something like the high-speed Hyperloop takes off, an East Coaster could meet up for a date on the West Coast in about two hours.
‘Distance would cease to be an issue,’ Betrand says.
Mike Nudelman/Business Insider
Now imagine a future where you could relive every painful break-up in the form of video loops.
As we continue to sacrifice our privacy on Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat, the report speculates it could be normal to publicize even the most intimate moments.
By 2030, the researchers imagine a world where we record and share our break-ups as videos or another future platform.
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Dear Amy: I have a history of attracting unkind, angry men. I had recently come off a two-year break from dating, when my mom’s neighbor asked me out. He is about my age, and my mom liked him. He seemed like a nice guy, so I took a chance.
I think he had been drinking before he picked me up. He brought me to a bar and started touching me and trying to kiss me. He also insisted that I drink more — and faster. He seemed to get angry that I wasn’t drinking fast enough.
I looked him in the eyes and asked him to please stop, because it made me uncomfortable. He didn’t stop.
We then left to go to another bar where we both drank more until the bartender cut him off. I was eternally grateful because I didn’t know how to get away. I thought about taking a cab but I don’t know the area, and was scared. I thought of Uber or Lyft, but it was late and a holiday. My mom can’t drive at night, and was already asleep.
Afterward, we went back to my mom’s house and fooled around. He left in the middle of the night. I felt guilty and told myself it was my fault.
What exactly do you do when speaking up and saying no isn’t enough? How do we protect ourselves from these predators who won’t listen?
I’m so scared I’ll be beaten or killed, that I end up allowing men to just do what they want. It’s wearing my soul down, and I deserve better.
How can I handle this? — Heartsick
Dear Heartsick: You used your voice. Good for you. But never, ever, go with a drunk to the second location. What I mean is — when a drunken lout makes you uncomfortable physically, that’s when you excuse yourself, get the bartender’s attention and ask for help. You say, “I came here with this guy, but now I’m scared. Can you help me?” (The Good Night Out Campaign — goodnightcampaign.org — trains bartenders and servers for how to intervene when customers are being harassed.)
Do not leave the public place. Other women (and men) will help you. (Recently, I witnessed a drunken harassment situation turning aggressive in a bar, and I called the police.)
You used your own best judgment, but your own alcohol consumption made this harder for you to manage.
The way to handle your fears is to learn to be strong. Never override your own fears. A self-defense class could give you more confidence.
The next thing to work on is your own discernment. You are right; you do deserve better. If you say “no” and the person doesn’t respect it, the date should end immediately.
There are great and nice guys out there. They will meet you for coffee as a way to get to know you.
Dear Amy: A few months ago, I received a “save the date” card from cousins for an upcoming wedding reception, to be held six months from now.
This couple has been married (with three children and a home) for the last 10 years!
This week, I received an invitation to a bridal shower for this couple.
When they got married 10 years ago, they did not have a wedding reception or any other celebration, because they were wed at the local courthouse.
This wedding reception and bridal shower will take place as if this couple is just being married without this 10-year history. No expense has been spared!
Do you follow usual rules and amounts for gift-giving, or do different rules and amounts apply? — Awaiting Your Answer
Dear Awaiting: This is confusing, because the couple is already married. Consider this party to be their wedding reception, on a 10-year tape delay.
Given the lead time to this reception, it sounds as if they have been planning and saving for this shindig.
Having a bridal shower is a strange choice, but yes, if you attend the reception, you should plan to give them a gift. You can assume that they are registered somewhere.
Dear Amy: I’d like to join others who are appalled by your so-called “advice” to “Say no More?,” the person who refused to house an illegal. Your political correctness really gets in the way. — Appalled
Dear Appalled: First of all, a human being is not “an illegal,” as many readers pointed out. Also, being in the U.S. without proper documents is a civil offense, not a criminal one.
