Tag Archives: dating advice
Some hazards of online dating: Coombs
I have often been asked if I have used online dating and decided a few months ago to write a column about the trend. I began my adventure by interviewing friends that had tried it and mostly they were frustrated with it. I do know couples that have met that way and are married so it certainly has its benefits, but I also think it has evolved in time much like Facebook, which once was just a small place to share pictures of friends.
I heard some funny stories and after a few interviews I realized I was going to have to throw myself on there to truly understand the nature of online dating and what it has become. I began my journey by joining Tinder and Bumble. Tinder used to be known as the “hook-up” site and you enter minimal information about yourself and pictures. You are shown people in your area and if you want a chance to chat with them, you swipe right. If you don’t want to meet them, you swipe left and they disappear from your choices. If the person you liked also has swiped right, a match is created and you can message each other inside the Tinder app. Bumble works almost the same way with the one significant difference being that only the woman can start the conversation. If you don’t say something to the man you matched with within 24 hours, the connection disappears. With the advice of one friend, I added one more site called Plenty of Fish (PoF) which allows anyone to message you. I have drawn the following conclusions after several months of this online experience and here they are:
The danger of dopamine – When you match on Tinder or Bumble the screen actually pops up and creates a visual effect to show the match. Bumble actually uses the word “Boom” to show the match. This is much like pulling a slot machine and hitting a jackpot. I began wondering early on if people get more satisfaction from seeing how many people they can match with than actually looking for a true life match. The rush of dopamine is addictive and just matching may become the goal.
The pen-pal phenomenon – I had heard many other users complain about this issue of people just wanting to talk rather than meet. I personally experienced a few endless conversations that feel like long and uncomfortable interviews. These are not phone conversations. These are just endless messages that go on for days and people checking in on your life. The person has no intention of asking for your number or going out. One of my friends has a strict rule that if a person won’t agree to meet right away to see if there is a connection, she moves on.
The mystery of pictures – Some people don’t put up any pictures and some people put up drawings or sculptures so you are just supposed to be impressed with their name and age. I suspect that these people are married or don’t like the way they look. I also noticed that in many profiles men only show pictures with hats on. If this means a man is bald I think they should show it and be proud of it. Honesty starts building in any connection right from the start, whether you are online or not.
New words – I had to search a few words to understand people’s profiles. Sapiosexual was one I had never heard of and I kept seeing it. It means that a person finds intelligence incredibly attractive. So, I guess I found out I am a sapiosexual. I thought all people prioritized intelligence but apparently some more than most. I also kept coming across the term ethically non-monogamous. There are lots of people on these sites that are married and apparently if your spouse has approved an open relationship you are ethically non-monogamous.
I have more to report and intend to write more in my next column. My experience thus far has led me to remember something I once heard a comedian say about dating and I am adding my own thoughts based on what I have discovered with online dating.
Dating in your 20s is like going to an apple orchard and every tree is filled with apples. You walk around looking at all these different apples on different trees and consider which type of apples you like — green, red, big, little, etc. There are so many options that you casually consider what you want to eat and there are so many choices that you don’t worry about running out of apples. Dating in your 30s you realize that all of the apple trees are gone and the orchard is empty. Dating in your 40s you find that many of the apples are back, but now they’re in a market instead of an orchard. You see all of the apples in the market and you think “wow, look at all these apples, I’m going to go and take a look and maybe have a bite.” When you walk into the market, the apples all look nice in their stands. When you go pick up an apple you realize that each apple has something wrong with it. One apple has a worm. The next apple has a bite taken out of it and the final one you grab has a bruise. The apples are back, but they’re not new and fresh like they were in the orchard. Online dating exposes many of these issues and I look forward to sharing my final conclusions in my next column.
Katie Coombs is a native Nevadan and mother of four children. You can reach her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/UncommonSenseKC/.
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Sara Foster Offers Jennifer Garner Dating Advice After Their Hilarious Instagram Exchange (Exclusive)
Jennifer Garner‘s famous friends are so ready to set her up with some eligible bachelors!
The 46-year-old actress — who is currently single following her split from Ben Affleck in 2015 — is clearly a catch, and if she ever needs a wing woman, Sara Foster is her girl.
ET caught up with Sara at Rachel Zoe’s Spring 2019 fashion show at the Hotel Bel-Air on Tuesday, where she revealed what type of guy she’d love to set Jennifer up with on the dating app Bumble.
“I love Jen. She’s to me, like, my total girl crush,” gushed Sara, who serves as Head of Creative for Bumble BFF and Bumble Bizz with her sister, Erin. “She’s the best. She can cook, she can really do it all. She can, like, kick your butt, and she’s beautiful.”
“Plus she’s the best mom,” Sara, who shares a daughter, 7-year-old Valentina, with husband Tommy Haas, continued. “I always tell her, ‘You make me ashamed to be a mom, to be a human.’ Because she’s genuinely perfect.”
So, what type of guy deserves a woman like Jennifer? According to Sara, someone “athletic.”
“People say all these [wonderful] things on a red carpet, lifting everyone up, but I’m actually being really honest… Jen Garner is actual perfection,” said Sara. “I said [to her], ‘Let’s get you on Bumble,’ because guys are obsessed with her.”
“I would set her up with an athletic guy,” she added. “She needs an athletic guy. Like, [someone] strong that can take her because she can kick [butt].”
In case you missed it, Sara and Jennifer’s dating discussion all started when the Peppermint star posted this hilarious shot of herself unashamedly rocking goggles in the pool:
Sara commented on the pic, writing, “What do I have to do to get you on Bumble and have this be your profile pic?”
“You can have this for the poster,” Jennifer jokingly replied.
Despite her split from Ben, Jennifer has remained on good terms with the actor, whom she shares three kids with: Violet, 12, Seraphina, 9, and Samuel, 6.
The 46-year-old actor is currently in rehab, after Jennifer drove him to a Los Angeles-based facility last month. A source told ET at the time that Jennifer is “relieved” her estranged husband is now in “a safe place.”
“This has been a rough few days and [Jennifer] wants nothing more than to feel [Ben] is getting the help that he needs,” the source said, adding that Garner has “been Ben’s rock” throughout this process. “She is used to putting on a brave face, and handling Ben’s addiction, but the process has been very exhausting for her. She won’t give up on Ben because he is the father of her kids.”
Hear more in the video below, and let us know on Twitter (@etnow) who you would personally love to see Jennifer date!
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Ben Affleck Was on a ‘Bender’ Before Jennifer Garner Took Him to Rehab, Source Says
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Finalize Their Divorce 3 Years After Split
Jennifer Garner ‘Relieved’ Ben Affleck Is in a ‘Safe Place’ at Rehab, Source Says
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Colton Underwood Gets Advice From Sean Lowe, ABC's Original 'Virgin' Bachelor
Colton Underwood will need all the help he can get as ABC’s latest leading man on The Bachelor, but if he needs advice on navigating the dating pool as a virgin Bachelor, there’s one man he can turn to.
Sean Lowe, a former football player who starred as The Bachelor in Season 17, was in a similar boat when he helmed the ABC dating show back in 2013. Lowe wasn’t technically a virgin at the time, but at age 24 he made the decision to stop having sex outside of marriage. Lowe held out during his reign as The Bachelor, even adapting the show’s overnight Fantasy Suites for his situation.
Lowe, who is now happily married and a father to two sons with wife Catherine, his final pick on The Bachelor, told Entertainment Tonight he understands why producers cast Colton, a 26-year-old virgin with no shady past, as the franchise’s new Bachelor after Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s controversial season.
“He has an All-American feel to him, he’s likable and a good-looking, athletic guy. Given those tangible attributes, it’s going to be good for the women there; they’ll be attracted to him and it’ll build a lot of buzz and create a lot of drama as well. … They also want to build Bachelor in Paradise, and by choosing someone who was on Bachelor in Paradise, that helps give a little credence to that show as well.”
Lowe went on to compare his season of the ABC dating show to Colton’s, admitting that when he was first announced as The Bachelor five years ago, the critics came out in full force because they thought he would be a boring lead. But Lowe reiterated that “nice guys” like Colton have “typically done pretty well for the franchise… especially when a love story starts to develop, people really root for the nice guy.”
Sean Lowe’s reasons for abstaining from sex were different than Colton Underwood’s. Colton, a football player like Sean, has said he devoted his life to sports and let his dating life fall by the wayside. The 26-year-old says he is not waiting for marriage to have sex, but instead for the right “heart.” While Sean’s reasons for abstinence were completely faith-based, he still has some advice for the incoming Bachelor star.
“I was met with countless interviews where that’s all anyone wanted to talk about. It was kind of frustrating, because on the one hand it’s something you’re proud of, and on the other hand I was thinking, ‘I just got engaged to this amazing woman and I’d rather talk about this than how weird it is in this day and age to be waiting.’ My advice to Colton is be who you are, stand up for what you believe in and don’t take anything personally!”
As for those potentially awkward Fantasy Suites which are used for overnight dates with the final three contestants on The Bachelor, Lowe revealed he talked with production ahead of time to make it clear what his intentions were.
“I talked to production before those evenings started and said, ‘I want to make it clear to the women that this isn’t about sex. I don’t want to have sex, but I think that time alone without cameras is important.’ I wanted them to capture that on TV, which they did. I wanted the people at home to not have any bad ideas about what I was doing. I wanted it to be clear to the women and the viewers at home that this wasn’t about sex, it was just about having that time.”
Sean also revealed that it helped him to remember that his family would be watching the show, another reason that it was important that he remain respectful as The Bachelor.
“That’s my advice: just keep in mind that Grandma is watching!” Sean said.
Sean Lowe said he hopes Colton’s Bachelor contestants will sit down with him and hear his side of his slow romantic life instead of judging him ahead of time.
“At the end of the day, if a woman has a problem with it, she’s not going to be the one for him,” Sean said. “Hopefully, he finds some good women who really support his decision and those are the contenders in the long run.”
Many Bachelor fans are already pegging Colton Underwood as Sean 2.0. Spoiler king Reality Steve tweeted that Sean Lowe has been the franchise’s “only successful Bachelor” and that producers “must feel Colton is the closest thing they’ll get to Sean,” a guy with “character, morals, [and] no shady past.”
Indeed, out of 22 seasons of the ABC reality show, Sean Lowe remains the only Bachelor to ever marry his final pick. Maybe Colton Underwood will make it two.
The Bachelor returns to ABC in January.
Help! My Roommate Won't Say Why She Decorated Our Dorm With Photos of Serial Killers.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Thinkstock, Revere Senior High School, and State Archives of Florida, Florida Memory.
Daniel Mallory Ortberg is online weekly to chat live with readers. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat.
Q. My new roommate loves serial killers: I’ve been living with my roommate, “Leanne,” for three weeks. I thought she was a hipster who put up pictures of old indie rock stars on her wall. Then my friend came to our dorm and told me the dudes in her pictures were serial killers: Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein. I freaked out and asked Leanne to take them down, but she refuses. She won’t explain why she put the pictures up, which also freaks me out.
I hate looking at pictures of these evil people and have been spending nights in my friends’ dorms. I have to wait to transfer rooms until there’s an opening. Leanne and I barely talk now. I’m not someone who enjoys horror films, and I get scared easily. I want to be comfortable in my room, and I’m not sure how to do that. Am I being immature for not getting over this?
A: It is very reasonable and not at all immature to say, “I don’t want pictures of serial killers all over my walls.” By no standard of the maturation process is it reasonable to say, “By such-and-such an age, you must feel extremely comfortable falling asleep under a poster of Ed Gein.” If your roommate isn’t willing to compromise, then I think it’s worth involving an RA or your university’s housing office. She can look at serial killers all she likes, just not on the walls you two have to share.
Q. So, so tired of dating: I’m a 29-year-old lesbian and I just went through another hard breakup. It was a nine-month relationship, and although it was the right thing to do, it sure stings. My relationship before that was seven months, and before that was another nine. I just don’t understand why my relationships can’t stick. I’m really happy with myself; I have a wonderful job, exceptionally amazing friends, a great apartment, wonderful family, and lots of hobbies—I just want a partner to share it with. I’m getting to an age where my friends get paired off and married, and I can’t even seem to get a relationship past a year. I’m aging out of the bar scene, and I really don’t like dating apps. What can I do? I want a partner and a family one day, and I can’t keep getting my heart broken.
A: I wish I had a guaranteed strategy for you that meant if you wanted to be partnered very badly, you could become so without risking another heartbreak, but I don’t. It is possible that you will never find a long-term partner; it’s possible that you will meet someone wonderful and have a terrible breakup three months or three years from now; any number of things may happen to you over the course of your romantic life, and if you want to try to find a lifelong partner, then potential heartbreak comes with the territory.
But since you can’t stand the thought of another breakup right now, don’t force yourself to start looking for your next partner right away. Take some time off and focus on all the great things in your life that you do enjoy rather than trying to rush into another relationship out of a fear that you’re falling behind the rest of your friends. (On a strictly practical level, dating apps are one of the most common ways to meet people nowadays, so I wouldn’t recommend totally ruling them out as a strategy, but consider going to more local events and meetups structured around interests and hobbies of yours, and look to meet women there.)
There’s nothing unusual about being 29 and coming off a string of medium-term relationships; it’s not necessarily a sign that you’re doing something terribly wrong or have unusually bad luck. That’s not to say that your feelings aren’t perfectly understandable, or that your desires and concerns aren’t important, simply that the situation you’ve described sounds a lot like what dating as a 29-year-old looks like.
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Q. MIL hell: My mother-in-law is the one people tell in jokes: She is a narcissistic, neurotic mess who manipulates everyone no matter the cost. My marriage has survived because we live 1,000 miles away and visit once every year or two. My ex–sister-in-law filed for divorce the second time our mother-in-law broke into her house, rearranged everything, and threw out sheets, clothes, and personal belongings because she deemed them “tacky.” No one in my family likes seeing her—our daughters have to be bribed to see “Gran.” A few years ago, she told my preteen that she looked “trashy” for wearing leggings and her older sister that she looked like a “lesbian” for wearing a sweatshirt.
My husband still feels the need to go and care for his parents despite agreeing that his mother is awful and difficult. My husband is up for a promotion that would require a move either closer or farther away from his parents. We are arguing over this. I am not willing to relocate to take care of my in-laws. I have no siblings, so care of my parents falls solely to me, and both our daughters live here. I am willing to pay someone to deal with my in-laws, but dealing with them myself constantly will end my marriage. I love my husband, but 20 years of marriage have proved he has a soft touch toward his mother. You don’t have to drive the road to see the rough terrain. What do I do?
A: I haven’t spent much time there myself, so I can’t make any personal assurances about how helpful you may find it, but Nicole Cliffe sometimes recommends checking out the JUSTNOMIL subreddit to get a sense of how other people have dealt with wildly unreasonable in-laws (and partners who are generally inclined to cave to them). It’s not clear what sort of care your mother-in-law needs at present; my guess is that were she ill, you’d have mentioned it in your letter because she’d be giving you all by-the-minute updates on her condition and making demands on that basis—so the care your husband seems to feel obliged to give her is likely mostly emotional. It’s good, I think, that you have clarity and a firm sense of what’s an uncrossable line for you: You will not move closer to your husband’s in-laws and you will not care for them personally, although you’re willing to contribute money to their eventual care, should that prove necessary. You have more than enough reason to set that as a limit, and it seems clear that this is also in your daughters’ best interests. I think you should stick to it and hope that your husband is willing to join you in setting reasonable boundaries. If he doesn’t, don’t get guilted or coerced into joining him as he continues to enmesh his life with his mother’s dramatic antics. Your mother-in-law’s behavior, and her children’s apparent reluctance to push back against it, has already contributed to the end of one marriage. Hopefully your husband can see that he has the opportunity not to repeat history. If he seems willing to try couples counseling, a few sessions may prove helpful as you figure out what he does and doesn’t owe to his parents, and how the two of you can talk about his feelings of pressure and guilt when it comes to them.
Q. Unfairly written up: My bra accidentally unhooked during a presentation at work. There were 200 people in the audience. I was written up for inappropriate behavior, even though I did not act intentionally. On top of that, I was wearing a business suit with a blouse and a vest, so I didn’t show any skin at all. Do I have any recourse against my employer?
A: If any readers have some useful experience or expertise, I’d welcome more detailed advice, but it seems silly, sexist, and unnecessarily punitive to write someone up for an embarrassing accident that they had no control over. I think it’s very much worth pushing back, and you should also seek legal advice—not as a first step, but to get a sense of what your options are before proceeding.
Q. When does not right now mean never?: I’m a member of a ski group, which accounts for most of my social activity in the fall and winter. There’s a really nice, attractive young woman in that same group who I’ve been interested in for a while. Last year, she made a joke which seemed to indicate that she was single and looking, which I took as a green flag to ask her out. Her response was that she was too busy at the time and had just come out of a long-term relationship, so she wasn’t interested in dating at the moment. On the one hand, I know that some guys react badly (or even violently) to rejection, so she may have been trying to signal disinterest while trying to keep things from turning ugly, and I don’t want to press the issue if that’s the case (although I’d be a little disappointed if she thought of me like that). On the other hand, I’m somewhat aware of what her life is like at the moment, and she does keep herself very busy, so she also may just have meant exactly what she said. With another ski season coming up, and a year and more having passed, would I be out of line to ask again? Or should I accept “No” as the subtextual answer, and if that wasn’t her intent, it’s her prerogative to do the asking, if her circumstances change?
A: My read on your last interaction was that she wanted to generally signal availability but was not specifically interested in going out with you and wanted to offer a slightly generic excuse rather than come out and say, “Yes, I want to go on a date with someone, but not you.” There are lots of reason to soften a “No” that don’t necessarily mean she assumes you’ll instantly turn unreasonable and violent if you hear it, so I don’t think you should waste your time assuming she thinks poorly of you. But given how her initial statement was, “I’m single and looking for a date,” followed immediately by, “I don’t have time to date now, and I’m not actually ready after my last relationship” as soon as you asked her out, I think she was offering you a polite “thanks, but no thanks.” As such, there’s no reason to think she’ll say yes a year later. I think you can safely assume that if that truly was her only reason for turning you down, she’ll let you know when and if things change.
Q. Re: So, so tired of dating: I’m straight and in my 50s, but was going through something very similar when I was in my 20s and 30s. Short relationships that ended painfully, coupled with a real desire to get a partner and start a family. I began to feel like the Little Match Girl, staring in the windows of all the other happy relationships around me. At some point I got into therapy to understand the patterns I was repeating, and also started to focus on my friends and my career. I resumed dating in my mid-30s when I realized that I was not going to meet a partner randomly, and not only did I join some dating services (the ancestor of dating apps), I got busier with activities and groups, and told everyone that I was actively dating. I was introduced to my husband by someone who didn’t know either of us very well—he had been on a blind date with someone I knew slightly through a comedy class. We have been together for 23 years and have a teenager.
A: Thank you so much for this. I don’t think that going to therapy, investing in other areas of one’s life, and spending time investigating one’s own romantic habits and possible blind spots is always a guaranteed way to find a partner, but I do think that it’s very much worth doing, and often improves the relationships one does have.
Q. Questions about Mom’s will: When my father’s parents died, my mom mentioned that her will was set up like theirs: If my siblings or I die before her, our share of anything we would have inherited is divided between that person’s children. Many years later, I am married, but my husband and I have decided kids aren’t likely in our future. It seems unfair that he wouldn’t get anything if I die first, but I also believe it’s my mom’s money and her right to decide what happens to it. Is there a way to bring up the will and ask if she would consider revising it for him to receive my share if I die first, or would that be presumptuous?
A: You can certainly ask your mother if she has any thoughts about the matter and what her preference would be if you were to die before your husband, but I think you should also be prepared to accept it if she says she would feel differently about supporting a grown man financially than she would young grandchildren. Since it seems like you do have a certain degree of acceptance around whatever her decision may be, I think it’s fine to raise the subject and ask what she thinks.
Q. Re: Unfairly written up: Did you stop and rehook your bra in front of everybody, excuse yourself from the room in order to do so, or carry on as if nothing had happened? Two out of three of those scenarios could very well be the reason you were written up.
A: That seems to be the main question in all of these responses—if the letter writer was simply written up for something that can’t be helped, then that’s out of line, but if anything in the write-up had to do with her public response, then that might be grounds for a conversation about how to deal with embarrassing and unexpected clothing mishaps at work.
Q. Tipping: When my girlfriend and I occasionally spend time with two of her friends who are a couple, we usually end up going out to eat. On many of these past occasions I have noticed that this couple will leave fairly small tips, 10 percent or sometimes less. Once, after offering to pay, they left zero tip. (The service was neglectful.) Personally, I almost always tip 20 percent at restaurants as I can afford it, and know from acquaintances how important tips can be to servers. On one occasion when splitting the bill, one of the couple saw the amount I left for tip and remarked they thought it was “a lot.” I don’t know the details of this couple’s financial situation, and I know that in theory there’s no set amount you have to tip, but I can’t help feeling guilty whenever this happens. My girlfriend agrees with me. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with this couple, but secretly worry that after each time we have dinner with them we add another name to a list of establishments we are blacklisted from for poor tipping. Is this actually something worth fretting over, or do I need to let this go and just focus on enjoying our double dates?
A: I’d continue tipping 20 percent, and suggest going to more movies or out for drinks.
Q. Re: So, so tired of dating: Perhaps the real issue is not that her relationships are ending too quickly, but that they are not ending quickly enough. It’s worth considering whether there were indications after a month or so that her last few relationships did not have staying power, and whether she stuck with them because of the overpowering desire to have a lifelong partner. There’s no shame in having short relationships. I remember going through something very similar when I was 29. There was something about turning 30 and not having had a relationship longer than a year that made me feel like something was wrong with me. I went to therapy and did get some good advice, but there’s also something to be said for patience. I did eventually find someone I’ve been with for years and wish I could go back and tell my younger self, “Chill out, already! You’ll get what you want, you just may not get it right this second. Take this time to make yourself into a better partner. It’s worth the work, and it’s worth the wait.”
A: This is a helpful reminder—if a relationship isn’t working out, then ending it at seven, or nine, or however many months is actually a good thing. Simply having a string of relationships that each last several years isn’t necessarily something you have to do in order to be prepared for a lifelong relationship. If those relationships ended because you two were incompatible, you weren’t being treated well, or you realized you wanted something else, then that’s a good outcome, even if it didn’t feel good at the time. And even if you don’t get what you want, the pain of being in a bad relationship is often much worse than the pain of being single.
Daniel Mallory Ortberg: Thanks, everyone. See you next week!
If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.
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Vintage Dear Prudence
Recently my 23-year-old nephew asked if we could talk man to man. He told me he was marrying his college girlfriend. He said that if my wife ever treated her as badly as she has treated his mother and his other aunt, he would not be silent about it as my brothers have been. When I replied with shock, he ran down a list of statements, actions, and other offenses my wife has committed that he has witnessed over the past 15 years. My wife has gossiped to the church leadership about my brothers and sisters-in-law, losing them positions they should have had. She ruined family events with childish demands and outbursts when I was not in the room. He suggested failures in my career could be because of her. He ended by saying his mother and aunt have never once said anything demeaning about my wife in front of him or anyone. He told of a time when he was in high school and a lady from church confronted his mother about a lie my wife had spread that the church lady believed. I have been completely unaware of any of this.
I talked to our pastor, my boss, and my brothers. All have told me stories that made me sick to my stomach, about how she has flirted with them when I am not around, and the horrible things my wife has done to other women. They all have assumed I knew all about this and have been allowing it to continue. After we talked, our pastor agreed to talk to the other leadership and correct the lies that have tainted my sisters-in-law. My sisters-in-law are caring, compassionate, never judge, and put family above all else. I feel like trash having exposed them to 15 years of torture, and for believing for even one second some of the things my wife has said about them. While I am sick to my stomach and worry that my own children may see this behavior and copy it, I am torn about what do to. Our pastor feels that I should address the congregation and ask forgiveness—our whole family attends the same church. He then wants me and my wife to enter counseling to repair our relationship so we can grow and she maybe can change. I want to grab my kids, hit the door, file for divorce, and then begin repairing the relationship with my family. What do you think?
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