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Advice for couples starting a life together

Marriage & Divorce, marriage advice

Heather Chilvers

Published May 1, 2018 at 8:00 am (Updated May 1, 2018 at 7:10 am)

Agreement essential: if you can’t agree on basic things such as who pays for repairs, home ownership with your partner is unlikely to be successful

Dear Heather,

My partner and I have been together for two years and we are thinking of getting married, but we’d like to use the money that we would spend on a wedding as a down payment for a house. Is this a good idea?

Not Married Yet

Dear Not Married Yet,

A home complete with a white picket fence is every young couple’s dream. If you’re unmarried you might feel this is out of your reach, after all, aren’t wedding bells supposed to precede house hunting? Well, not always. There are many couples who are opting for home ownership before marriage.

Of course, as with anything, there are pros (investing in your future and paying your own mortgage instead of paying somebody else’s for example) and cons (what will happen if you fall out and end up not getting married?).

I strongly recommend you get legal advice from an experienced real-estate lawyer before moving ahead. However, I have outlined a few helpful tips below:

Financing

While married couples are often viewed as a single unit, you have the advantage as an unmarried couple to decide which person best fits the homebuyer profile (which of you has the best credit score and the most assets).

You can choose to cosign or own your home jointly if you prefer. Keep in mind that if one of you has a less-than-stellar credit rating it could reduce the amount of money you qualify to borrow. Having two incomes, however, could increase the amount of money you are able to borrow. There are three main options you can use to title your home as an unmarried couple:

Sole owner

This means one of you is 100 per cent responsible for the debt. The other is not listed on the title at all, thus they have no rights or responsibility regarding the property. In this scenario, be sure you are not paying for something you will never own.

Tenants-in-common

This means that both of you own a share of the property. Each of you can pass your share on to a beneficiary or beneficiaries named in your will upon your demise, thereby protecting your retained interest.

It will prevent your home from transferring in its entirety to the surviving partner should one of you pass away. Keep in mind that wills belong to the individual and can be changed without having to give a spouse, or significant other, any notice. It is possible that you will end up being joint owner of a property with a person or people with whom you don’t get along.

Joint tenant

This gives you equal ownership of the property. If one of you should die, the property will automatically be awarded to the living partner.

Do understand that debt is permanent. If you choose to enter into a joint-tenancy arrangement and your relationship ends, you are both 100 per cent responsible for the outstanding debt.

Although you might not want to think about “what if” scenarios, it’s important to choose a home that you could afford to pay for on your own if necessary.

This will also come in handy if your partner becomes ill or loses their job and is unable to contribute financially. Life is a winding path, it can throw all sorts of unanticipated things at us; don’t stick your head in the sand on this one.

Create a legal agreement

Yes, technically, if you own the property jointly you are both legally bound to it. However, this agreement is slightly different. Seek out the help of a lawyer to create a binding agreement that outlines who will be responsible for what aspects of the property — who pays the taxes, landscaping, repairs on the home, etc.

This will prevent a lot of heartache down the road by getting expectations out in the open. If you can’t agree on these basic things, home ownership with this particular partner is unlikely to be successful.

Buying a home isn’t easy

There is a lot that you have to do before buying a home such as examining the importance of loan qualifications, surveys, staking and lot plans and structural survey inspection.

Know the expenses

Home ownership is a grand adventure, one that can also come with many unexpected expenses. Be realistic about how much routine home maintenance will cost you.

However, I can assure you that by and large, the benefits of home ownership far outweigh the problems. I wish you and your partner happy house hunting as you face this new adventure of home ownership together.

•Heather Chilvers is among Coldwell Banker Bermuda Realty’s leading sales representatives. She has been working in real estate for nearly 30 years. If you have a question for Heather, please contact her at hchilvers@brcl.bm or 332-1793. All questions will be treated in confidence. Read this article on Facebook: Ask Heather Real Estate

Second Marriage Syndrome: everything you need to know about tying the knot… again

Marriage & Divorce, marriage advice

“At last”, to quote a popular wedding first dance song, “my love has come along”. That’s how I felt on my second wedding day. After years of being with the wrong men, here I was committing my life to the right man, in front of our favourite people in my dream location: a beautiful, old house in the Cotswolds countryside. This was how love was supposed to feel and how weddings were supposed to be. Apparently I had just needed a trial run of both.

I planned my first wedding in my early twenties. It took 15 months, a fair few fights and an incredible amount of money. I became demanding, argumentative, weepy and neurotic. I also allowed both families to get too involved, something I put down to youth and finances. I wanted the wedding to be perfect and didn’t pay much attention to what would happen after the honeymoon, such was my naivete. He was a good man and the wedding was wonderful but when the marriage turned out to be neither of these things, I knew that despite getting married in front of 300 people, I had to admit it, and we divorced.

Church decorated with flower bouquets during the Wedding ceremony

Credit:
momcilog

When it happens, the end of a marriage is a terrible shock. No one enters into a committed relationship imagining their romance ending by greedy solicitors and fights over a CD collection. But love can strike twice and, as 40% of Brits are embarking on second marriages, our attitudes towards second-time brides have changed. A divorcee remarrying used to be kept hush-hush. After all – and as a second-time bride, I know this personally – one used to assume yourself a failure and not deserving of recognition of your new happiness. But no more! Thanks Meghan Markle, Gwyneth Paltrow, Millie Macintosh! A second wedding is a chance to celebrate a second chance at true love and a fabulous future.

Planning my second wedding a decade later, I don’t think I had a cross word with anyone, let alone an argument. That time around, my head and heart were joined in the knowledge that I was 100% doing the right thing; I was calmer and trusted myself more. Unlike the first time, I didn’t dread the big day being over: rather I couldn’t wait for our marriage to begin. I was in love, I was getting married, it was my husband-to-be’s first (and only!) attempt at it and we were going to celebrate exactly how we wanted to.

But along the way, I did learn plenty about making it the second time a real success. Here’s everything you should know too if you’re embarking on wedding no.2…

The Perfect Guest List

Wedding guest lists don't have to be overly large events, with many people favouring a smaller gathering of their closest friends and relatives — Wedding guest lists don’t have to be overly large events, with many people favouring a smaller gathering of their closest friends and relatives

Credit:
Marc Debnam

My second wedding was organised in six months and we decided to invite just 90 people. One advantage of getting married again is that you really know who your friends are and who you want to watch you get hitched. I didn’t feel pressured to invite distant relatives, parents’ friends or colleagues because I knew – after the first one – that saying your vows (and hitting the dance floor) means more when you’re surrounded by only your nearest and dearest. Some friends will have been to your previous wedding, of course, but people go to so many, don’t think they’re sitting there comparing the two.

Ex Files

Should you invite your ex-husband or wife? Only if you are good friends and your new partner is honestly fine about it. If in doubt, don’t. You’re just asking for awkwardness. The same goes for your ex’s family. If you need them there and your beloved doesn’t mind, fine, although it may cause them difficulties with their child or sibling, your ex. Think it through.

Parental Payouts

Should your parents pay for your second wedding? I’m all for second chances and celebrating your happiness, but I don’t think parents heading into retirement should be expected to carry the burden of your previous misstep. Only spend what you can afford and enjoy the freedom that brings. My parents interfered much more in my first wedding when they were helping me financially. Second time around, when my husband and I paid for 90% of it, I didn’t feel the need to curtail my desires to their fancies. But if your parents insist and they can afford it, why not? They love you. If they can help pay for a second wedding without trying to control it, be gracious and allow it.

Present Tense

Wedding gifts can come in all shapes and sizes: from kitchen appliances to honeymoon getaways

Credit:
Ludovica Bastianini / EyeEm

I felt cheeky asking for gifts because it was my second wedding, so we decided to tell everyone ‘their presence was our present’. We were just grateful they had travelled from all over the world to celebrate. Many guests did still buy us gifts though. They felt I shouldn’t be penalised for making a mistake in my past and that my husband certainly shouldn’t be punished because this, after all, was his first wedding.

One friend had a good idea for the awkward second wedding gift debate, setting up a honeymoon fund. It seemed tacky to post gift-list information with the invitations again two years after her first wedding, so she simply added their honeymoon details on the wedding website in case anyone wanted to contribute under their own steam.

Nice day for a white wedding

Abandon ideas that you’re not allowed to wear white. All I cared about was making my groom happy and I knew he’d want me to see me glide towards him in a white gown. My second dress was much more romantic than my first. I was more confident in my own style by then so it wasn’t a traditional meringue, instead it was a white and silver evening gown by my favourite designer that I knew I could wear confidently.

Any tut-tuts at my white choice were just white noise. When I walked down the aisle towards him, I knew I’d made the right decision. My advice to other second-time brides who are being pushed towards a pastel suit or knee-length cream number is to stick up for themselves. If that means you want a train, a veil and cascading bouquet, I’m sure you’ll look beautiful.

Bridesmaid Bonanza

If you want bridesmaids the second time around, go for it! Today, the rules are: there are no rules. What a great way to reward your best friends for being there throughout all the trials and tribulations of your life in recent years. And they’ll benefit too.

When it comes to choosing bridesmaids dresses and accessories, I’ve noticed second-time brides can be a lot kinder to their friends. We’ve got the bridezilla hysteria out of the way, a divorce has shown us what really matters in life, and we’re a bit older and wiser. There’s more of a “let’s work together to choose the perfect outfit” vibe, rather than “you have to wear fuchsia chiffon because I need to you to match the napkins!” I love the current trend popular with second-time brides to pick a colour and let their friends – who are normally all a bit older as well – choose the exact shade and style that flatters them most.

Making everyone feel special

Weddings can hugely benefit from close family involvement

Credit:
photoraya

I was a flower girl when my mother remarried and I remember being proud and happy as I sat in the front row of the London registry office, clutching my posy and wearing a vintage velvet frock coat. I felt that I too was making a commitment to my stepfather, to love him very much. But do remember, watching parents remarry can be a confusing time for children. Answer questions, involve them in wedding plans as much as they desire, and on the big day, give them a special role, as in a reading, or have your son or daughter walk you down the aisle. Tradition is out of the window this time – create your own style of family bliss!

Sarah Ivens is the best-selling author of two books on weddings, The Bride’s Guide to Unique Weddings and A Modern Girl’s Guide to Getting Hitched, both published by Little, Brown

Speak of Love in Love

Marriage & Divorce, marriage advice

Over the years, I have spoken with hundreds and hundreds of girls about guys. I have a workshop that I conduct entitled, “Guys, Sex, and Marriage”. During three-five sessions, I discuss who we are looking for and why are we looking. There is a lot of information, but generally I advise young ladies to look for someone who will help them get to heaven, someone who they can respect and trust, someone who treats them with unconditional love and someone who they like “as is”, because as an older lady said to me, “You can’t raise another woman’s child.”

The other night, I was invited to have dinner with a group of college-aged young ladies and talk about any subject and then answer their questions. I shared about finding a mate who has the same foundation. But their questions had more to do with marriage – best marriage advice, transitioning from dating to marriage, hardest and best part of being married, etc. My answer to that last listed question was: hardest part – reining in anger/not having a short fuse/not being so touchy, best part – having a permanent date, when you want to go somewhere or do something, your date is right there. The topic of deal-breakers came up as we continued discussing. One of the married girls there surprised me when she said that pornography addiction had been a deal-breaker for her. She said that she simply wasn’t going to have that in her life, which was exactly how I felt about alcohol when I was dating. At that time, pornography wasn’t even on my radar. But times have changed.

Pornography addiction is rampant and the assessment of porn is changing. According to Barna.com/porn-in-the-digital-age, one in three Americans seek out pornography at least once a month. “Living in a hyper-sexualized and pornified media culture means catching sight of explicit images with little or no effort.” You don’t even have to seek it. This research of over 3,000 people indicated that nearly half of teens and young people think that not recycling is more immoral than viewing pornography. It used to be mostly grown men, but now it’s boys and girls, women and men. Of faith and not. It’s out there and we don’t even realize the danger.

Porn is not real. It distorts the body, relationships, and love. I had a young woman admit her problem to me by saying that it took all her time and attention and made her husband feel inadequate and unloved. So she gave him all her devices and called me to be her accountability partner. I was so glad that she could unmask herself with me. That was an uncomfortable task, but now I can ask her how she is doing and remind her to punch that old woman that she used to be in the face when she pops up. And I can take interest in the new activities and loves in her life. She has even grown to the point that she now asks me about my well-being.

Barna says that young people engage in pornography more out of boredom, curiosity, and fun than for arousal. We need to pay attention and offer options, support, and in some cases encouragement toward therapy. But most importantly, we need to create environments of openness. Parents ask. Teachers teach. And loved ones gather genuinely so that isolation is broken and confidences are shared when needed. Love. Create care and connection. Follow hunches. Maybe we can’t raise other people’s children, but we can be good examples, support each other in our struggles, share our vulnerability, and love as we should. Patience instead of platitudes. Belief instead of badgering. We all need this type of love for one reason or the other. If we could speak truth in love, then maybe we could better prepare our children for marriage and family could recover.

Email comments or suggestions to CatnKids1@gmail.com

Serena Williams' Wedding Day Advice For Meghan Will Have You Saying, “Same”

Marriage & Divorce, marriage advice

I am not married or engaged nor am I, frankly, anywhere near being either one of those things but I imagine that, when the time comes, I’ll be showered with wedding day advice from already-married friends. Basically, the only difference between me and Meghan Markle on our wedding days will be that I’ll probably be marrying a normal person and getting marital advice from normal friends, while she has chosen to marry oh, you know, the prince of England and is receiving marital advice from her superstar tennis player friends. And Serena Williams’ wedding day advice for Meghan Markle is just as stellar as pretty much everything else she does.

You see, Markle and Williams have been friends for years and there’s even been speculation that the tennis superstar and new mom will be a member of her bridal party. So, obviously, like any good potential-bridesmaid-level-friend, Williams was happy to share some wedding day advice with her pal in a recent interview with Good Morning America.

She drew from her own experience to remind Markle of the importance of embracing the now…and enjoying your cake. “I just think it’s so important to enjoy the moment,” she advised. “And eat the cake—I didn’t get to eat mine at the wedding. We were just having so much fun.”

And it’s not just the day of the wedding that Markle should be enjoying! “If I could give her any advice it would be to enjoy the preparation, enjoy the planning, it goes so fast,” Williams added.

“I’m obviously super happy for her,” she continued. “She’s such a great girl and she is incredibly nice and I couldn’t be happier for her.”

Williams had her own fairytale wedding with now-husband Reddit founder Alexis Ohanian in New Orleans last November and, although I wasn’t there, I can safely say based on the pictures that it was as much fun as she says it was. I mean, you guys, BEYONCE WAS THERE.

While there are no reports of Markle having been a bridesmaid at Williams’ wedding, some fans (like myself) are still wondering if she’ll make the tennis player a bridesmaid at her upcoming royal wedding.

“I’ve heard that Meghan wants her mother to walk her down the aisle, which would be a sweet moment,” an unidentified source told US Weekly. “And while it is very much a British wedding, expect a few American touches too. She’s not picked a chief bridesmaid, she’s chosen a maid of honor.”

WPA Pool/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

While I, personally, would love it if Williams was that maid of honor, it’s looking unlikely given her busy tennis schedule. During the Good Morning America interview, she responded to a question asking whether or not she was going to the wedding by saying “I don’t know, I think it’s during one of the tournaments, I’ll see if I can make it.”

Oh, to be casually be juggling a pro tennis career with a social calendar that involves things like the ROYAL FREAKING WEDDING (and let’s also throw motherhood and marriage in there as well). Like, same.

In a Twitter announcement in December, Kensington Palace announced that:

His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Wales and Ms. Meghan Markle will marry on 19th May 2018.Today’s announcement follows earlier confirmation of the month of the wedding and its location at St George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle.

So, yeah, the wedding is very soon. I guess only time will tell if Williams manages to squeeze it into her busy schedule.

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