Category Archives: marriage advice
Parent's contract might not be enforceable
Dear Amy: My son is graduating from high school.
I made him sign a note stating that if I helped him edit his college essays, he would practice his writing skills over the summer. (Many books recommend that parents, teachers and guidance counselors should help students edit their college essays, and that obtaining feedback is valuable.)
My child has now been accepted into two honors colleges – partly due to these submitted essays, and partly due to a relatively high SAT score, GPA and extracurricular activities.
These honors programs require advanced writing skills.
I know, however, that his writing skills are weak and I am afraid that he will do poorly.
He has a B in AP English, but mainly because of multiple-choice tests.
I believe he has the ability to write well, if he practices, but with less than three months to go before he leaves for college, and after finding no suitable practice books, how should I make him practice?
Needing Much Practice
Dear Needing: You seem to be claiming at least partial credit for getting your son into two college honors programs. At the same time, you slyly diminish his work and accomplishments.
By your estimation, he really should not have been admitted, because he cannot do the work. You, however, seem like a good candidate.
The contract you made your son sign says: “I’ll polish your work so you can get into a good school. But then you’ll have to guarantee that you’ll learn how to polish your own work.” You haven’t offered any tools for him to fulfill his part of the contract.
Your son should succeed in college – or not – on his own. Given the level of your involvement so far, he could face a shock when he gets to college. Many students do, but they rise to the occasion through developing study strategies, visiting the writing center or asking professors for help.
It can be very hard for an involved parent to disengage, and yet, you must. (When I was pushing one of my daughters to attend a specific university, she snapped: “If you like it so much, why don’t you go there?”)
Lower the heat on this exercise. If your local community college offers a summer English or writing course, encourage him to take it. Also encourage him to read, read, read.
Liberation from your anxious gaze and judgment could unleash this young writer – once he leaves home.
Dear Amy: My accomplished and gorgeous friend is going through her second divorce.
She has two small children.
Everyone who loves her supports her decision to divorce wholeheartedly, as her second husband was abusive and she stayed in the marriage much longer than was healthy.
However, during this difficult time she became involved with a married work supervisor. It was all predictable: He said his marriage was in name only; he was planning to divorce, etc.
Several months later, he is still married and living with his wife, and the only prospect he offers is that someday he will separate, but won’t ever divorce her legally because of all the property they share.
It has been painful to see my friend suffer due to false promises and an uncertain future.
I’m tired of listening and offering support because she goes back to idealizing this guy, who seems nothing but bad news to her (and her children). How do I support her but not alienate her? I am afraid this will happen, if I start saying that she should run as fast as she can?
Worried Friend
Dear Friend: Your friend seems to have bounced from one abusive man to another.
You should suggest that she see a therapist to examine her own choices and to work through her current problems.
Your focus should always pivot back to her children: What is best for them? How do her choices affect them? Can she find ways to tamp down the emotional upheaval in her own life, for their sakes?
She needs to absorb this truism: “When you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”
Dear Amy: I was disappointed to see that in your response to “Confused,” you made a reference inferring that community colleges are not “full-time schools.” Community college is definitely full time. Students there take full course loads and work just as hard as other college students.
Upset
Dear Upset: I am so sorry I made this error. I should have written “four-year” instead of “full time,” and I apologize. I heartily support the mission and success of community colleges.
Don't risk your marriage: How to prevent a renovation from ending in divorce
Home improvement is a boom industry but it might be have an unexpected casualty – your marriage.
Experienced divorce lawyer Jeremy Sutton says the cases where couples are facing financial issues (about 50 per cent of his workload), over-spending on home renovations take up a substantial portion.
“Traditionally it’s been easy for people to borrow money for their dream renovation,” Sutton says. “They’re seeing it on TV; I see it all the time. People want to live in this wonderful house, but then realise they can’t afford to do it.”
Experts suggest setting down some ground rules before you decide to renovate. Photo: Karel Miragaya
“They have a huge mortgage as a result of the renovation and trouble servicing it. Resentment builds because of the financial difficulties.”.
Homes held in family trust or owned by one party before the marriage – and where the non-owner has no recognition for their time and money spent renovating – can also be a trigger for marital strife, according to Sutton.
“It could be that the non-owner does a lot of work on the home, renovating the bathroom, painting, upgrading the kitchen, but this is unpaid work, and therefore unrecognised.”
Alice and Caleb Pearson, who have successfully renovated six houses, have set ground rules they live by while renovating. Photo: Pearson + Projects
“It’s hard to value that and that builds resentment. Only one party has an interest in that property, which is increasing in value.
“It’s the same with someone project managing something, organising all the contractors, sub-contractors. They are not being paid a wage for the hours they’ve put in during their days, nights and weekends,” he says.
Communication is the key
A counsellor who specialises in relationships, Bryce Diprose, says before you start the renovation process, important conversations need to be had.
The Pearsons say they expect the worst right from the outset when they take on a new renovation. Photo: Pearson + Projects
“What are your dreams around the completed renovation? Discuss them with the other partner. What do you want to achieve and how achievable is it with the finances available?”
Once the plans are in progress, open, calm communication is vital to avoid a separation, according to Diprose.
“Listen to each other without interrupting. Hear each other’s concerns and validate the other’s concerns. Just because you don’t have these concerns doesn’t mean they are not the other person’s reality,” he says.
Along with renovating, the Pearsons are also raising their two young children. Photo: Pearson + Projects
Occasionally take a break from the renovation. “Getting away helps to allow time to relate to each other,” Diprose says. And keep tabs on your stress levels.
“Be aware of diet, sleep and exercise and listen to your body as the body keeps the score. If you are carrying tension, don’t just ignore it,” he suggests.
Husband and wife Alice and Caleb Pearson have successfully renovated six homes, kept their marriage intact, and are raising two small children, Alec, three, and Mika, almost two.
How?, you may ask. They have a few rules. Number one, negotiate before you negotiate.
“It’s working out what is really important for you,” Alice says. “Communicate things thing you really don’t want to compromise on. For me it is colour. I want full authority to put what colour I want.”
Alongside this, be open to compromise once the renovation begins. “You can get a couple of wins, but you have to roll with the punches and be willing to meet the budget or programme you have set,” Alice says.
Trying to remove your relationship from the project is helpful.
“We talk about the house, the budget and try not to bring anything else into these conversations we have. Think; is this actually an issue with the renovation?”
Prepare for the unexpected
It’s important to thoroughly prepare financially even before the first swing of a hammer.
“You can’t walk into a renovation and say, ‘We’re going to spend $80k here.’ If you find the house needs to be rewired and the bathroom has a leak, it’s going to blow your budget. You’re going to get frustrated and disappointed,” Alice says.
“We get quotes for everything. There will always be surprises, but not huge surprises, then we set the budget. Finances are always going to be a real soft spot in a marriage.”
“The more you’re prepared the better. If you spend more elsewhere then you have to save money elsewhere. This takes time and investment to figure out how to recoup costs.”
Finally, expect the worst from the outset, says Alice.
“Don’t set yourself up for massive disappointment. There is an element of renovating where the house has control. You have to work within the boundaries of what the house is and not let these frustrations out on one another.”
This article originally appeared on stuff.co.nz
Gabriel Manrique: Celebrating 40 years of marriage
Well we did it. Cecilia and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. We had a wonderful celebration with a small group of family and friends.
But that’s not what I want to write about.
Instead, I wanted to answer those who have asked me over the years what makes a marriage last. I don’t mean to offer advice because every situation is different and I think marriage and raising children are the ultimate do-it-yourself projects. But I can reflect on what I think worked well for us, even though I think that quite a bit of it is common sense.
Celebrate your anniversaries. It may sound silly or nerdy to some but from the beginning we’ve celebrated every year, the day we first met, the day we decided to “go steady”, and of course the day we got married. We are not just looking for an excuse to celebrate, but those dates are reminders of our life-long journey together.
Continue learning — together. Whether it be through reading books, sharing articles, or traveling, the opportunities for learning not only makes us grow, but give us fresh things to talk about. We travel a lot, which we realize is not for everyone, for various reasons. But we do much of our learning when we travel. And through learning, we obtain a lot of insights, shared experiences, lasting memories and lessons.
Save early and often. A wise person once said that money can’t buy happiness, but it can sure avoid a lot of stress. Marriage and raising a family are stressful enough without the long-term financial anxiety that is part of living. No matter what our income level was, we were determined to save for all sorts of things. In being able to do so, maybe we were smart or just plain lucky. But as we grew older, it helped to know that we could fall back on our own resources for many needs.
Develop an interest in some of your spouse’s interests. Whether it be a TV show, a sport, or a hobby, sharing even a little bit of interest demonstrates respect for one another. Plus, it gives you more to talk about and you might be surprised at how interesting your spouse’s interests may be.
Be faithful and true. If there is one currency of human relationships we cannot take for granted, it is trust. For once it is broken, it cannot be repaired. Even when we say we can forgive, we truly cannot forget acts of betrayal.
Have children and grandchildren. I know for some this may not be possible or is a matter of choice. What we know now, is that the trials and tribulations of child-rearing are dwarfed by the love and joy children bring. Both the rewards and the challenges of having kids can strengthen a marriage.
Finally, don’t be shy about holding each other’s hand in public. It is an unabashed affirmation of love. It is a statement of caring. It is an open celebration of your life together. The German philosopher Goethe once wrote, “This is the true measure of love: when we believe that we alone can love, that no one could ever have loved so before us, and that no one will ever love the same way after us.” The first decorative plaque we ever bought contained those words. The plaque is still on display in our house.
Family reunions can be bittersweet affairs, but we attend them because we all desire to be connected.
SGF's daughter's wedding unite Buhari, Saraki, Dogara
.Oyegun, Tinubu too
Olalekan Adetayo, Abuja
President Muhammadu Buhari; Senate President, Bukola Saraki; and the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Yakubu Dogara, were among dignitaries that attended the wedding reception of the daughter of the Secretary to the Government of the Federation, Boss Mustapha, on Saturday.
The wedding reception was the first public function to be attended by the three of them after the lawmakers threatened to invoke Section 143 of the 1999 constitution towards starting impeachment process against the President.
The wedding reception took place at the old Banquet Hall of the Presidential Villa, Abuja.
The SGF’s daughter, Amanda, was earlier in the day joined in Holy Matrimony to Otelemaba at the Family Worship Centre, Abuja.
Dogara was the chairman of the reception.
Also present a national leader of the ruling All Progressives Congress, Asiwaju Bola Tinubu, and the party’s National Chairman, John Odigie-Oyegun.
State governors and ministers also attended the wedding reception.
Speaking with State House correspondents at the end of the reception, the SGF said, “It is a pride of a father that at one point in time you will be giving out your children in marriage or receiving bride into your home. And that is what has precisely happened to us today as a family. I feel very happy and very thrilled about it.”
Asked what his advice will be to the new couple, he said, “Basically, they have received a lot of inductions and training when they went through their pre-marital classes. But as a father, talking out of experience, I’m married for 29 years now, I can assure you that, I wouldn’t say I have done badly, my candid advice to them is that they should respect each other, think highly of each other, they should remain friends and as much as possible let them make God the centrepiece of their home.
“If they have doubts about things happening around them, let them go back to the author of marriage Himself, which is God.
“So my advice to them is let them remain together through thick and thin. They should not take each other for granted.”
When asked how he feels giving out his daughter to another tribe, he said, ” I am married to somebody from a different state altogether. I come from Adamawa State while my wife is from Osun State.
“So Amanda is not the first. It is a marriage of unity. Whenever I hear people talking about Nigeria breaking up, I just laugh. The foundations are deep. I have a brother-in-law who is Igbo, I have a brother-in-law who is Urhobo. So our home has always been a small Nigeria whenever we congregate.”
